Mama-Baby Marketing

So if you are anything like me you’re likely filled once with disgust at the way that companies market to pregnant women, and again by the sheer volume of “essential” baby products there are in the parenting market. You may also be a little disappointed at how susceptible your pregnant woman (or expectant man, for that matter) can be to the influence of anything “for baby,” but I guess those two kinda go hand-in-hand. You can’t have parasitic marketing without a vulnerable population to eat it all up.

Now is probably a good time to make note of something worth mentioning: I might be the polar opposite of a typical pregnant woman in the baby section of Target (and that is not only because I am a very non-pregnant man).  I see the shelves lined with all sorts of crap that just isn’t necessary, while others see a wonderland of cool stuff that will undoubtedly improve their children’s chances at success and happiness, perhaps even guarantee a few of them the presidency one day.

Spoiler Alert: they won’t.

I would rather go all homesteader and make everything that could possibly be of use in parenting with my own two hands. I am kind of the anti-consumer. I understand that not all people are like this… and I feel a little bit sorry for every one of you. But to be fair, some people just don’t have the time to whittle a crib out of fallen logs or sew cute baby clothes out of wool made from hand-spun dog hair. I get it. For that matter I don’t even have the time – I just wish I did.

But that does not excuse the widespread craze for useless junk.

If you want an example of the sort of thing that really gets under my skin, you don’t have to look any further than that damn giraffe. Without the French undertones, cutesy story, and flashy packaging, Sophie is a rubber toy plucked from the discount bin at PetSmart.  It’s a dog toy. A $30 dog toy… for your kids. And it doesn’t even squeak in French. 

That, my friends, is madness.

I will write the rest of this series of posts from a point of compromise.  There is a grey area between off-the-grid DIY child raising and gluttonous consumption of all things mama-baby.  It is in that zone that we will now wander, and where we will focus our attention.

Because there certainly are some products that could be considered essential, like, let’s say, a carseat for safely transporting your nugget to and from daycare (or trial-by-fire wilderness survival class).  Then there are things that genuinely make life easier for new parents. But then there are those things which are entirely superfluous and downright predatory on your emotions and balance statements.

Like repackaged dog toys.

In subsequent posts, my wife and I will regale you with our unquestionable insight into what you absolutely must own, which products stand out as a really great purchases, and which products should be left to collect dust, or possibly find a home with someone less discerning than you surely will be after reading our blog. Prepare to get informed. We seriously hope that this aids you in putting together a really bang-up registry for your kiddos.

BUT WAIT!!

Before we go any further, If you happen to be a fan of Sophie the Giraffe, I want to offer you the chance to own perhaps the most amazing baby toys to ever grace the screen right in front of your face…

Meet Schmuck, Sucker, and Chump, the trio of slapstick French tennis balls!

french balls

These three wild and crazy fellas love to joke and bounce around, slapping each other right in the felt and delighting your baby with their hilarious antics and shenanigans for hours! Included with purchase is a short story of their lives, taking the reader from their start as young little bits of tree rubber and fiber, through the terribly confusing and experimental beer-pong years, right up until they rolled into each other on amateur night at the Wilson nightclub, which looks oddly similar to a plastic tube into which tennis balls get packaged. Their story is one of triumph and tragedy, and it will charm the ever-loving crap out of you!

Supplies are limited at the introductory price of $250, so order yours now and be one of the parents who can spot a good deal when they see one!

Seriously though. If you actually want these, message me. I will totally, and without any shame, take your $250.

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